Those of you who follow my blog know that I love to read…a lot. I mostly read non-fiction such as biographies or self-help or business books. I have read a number of books on metal illness as well. It is very rare that I don’t finish a book. As far as I’m concerned, if I only get one useful piece of information out of a book, it was worth the read. I also discover new things about myself when I read, and I like to try and implement what I learn or ask myself how can I apply the new information I’ve collected into my life.
The more I read, the more I realize I am an entrepreneur—not a manager or a technician. As an entrepreneur I have vision, passion, and I am always optimistic; I see the glass as being half full and not half empty. I also know that I am not a detail-oriented person, and recently I learned that I lack focus. I have plenty of goals, but I have a hard time focusing long enough on one particular area; therefore, implementation is sometimes slower and unorganized. I have learned that I need to find ways to improve my focus.
When you are dealing with mental illness, it is so important to focus. Too often we are so wrapped up in our suffering that we have a tendency to get stuck where we are instead of moving from that position to a better quality of life. Of course the first thing that must happen to get to that point is to have hope—hope that your life can get better.
One of the symptoms of depression is feeling hopeless or helpless and being unable to see past what’s happening now. At one time I felt completely hopeless. In fact, I even attempted suicide. Today I am very happy with my life and myself and feel that I have found my purpose in life. That’s so important. When you know who you are and you know the direction that you want to take, your journey in life is much more meaningful and settling and you can focus on your purpose. It was when I became a Christian that my hope came back. I learned who I was and I had Someone to direct my life and help me through it.
My life certainly did not change overnight; I went through a lot of searching and at times I thought God was cruel and really could not help me in my day-to-day life. At times I thought God was important only when we died. But let me tell you: If I did not go through six hospitalizations and time spent in three different group homes and, yes, the suicide attempt too, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And even today—with all my faults—I like my life. I love myself. Without God, who brought me through all my twists and turns the way he has, I would most likely not have a relationship with Him and would be very bitter and hardened. That is just no way for anyone to live.